If you’re reading this, then chances are you’ve been thinking deeply and meaningfully about what you want your life to look like going forward. You’ve come to the conclusion that things aren’t working, and it’s time for a big change. Maybe you’ve exhausted all other options. Maybe you just know that there’s no other path forward. It’s time to ask for a divorce.
Knowing that this is the path that will lead to the best future outcomes and actually having the conversation are two different things. Just because you’ve done the work of thinking through your options and arriving at a conclusion doesn’t mean that you can predict how your spouse will handle the discussion, and it doesn’t remove the emotional elements of loss or smooth over the future complications of disentangling your lives.
How you handle this conversation can set the tone for what comes next. Be prepared with these tips on how to ask for a divorce.
Tip 1: Don’t Ask for a Divorce During a Fight
If your marriage has deteriorated to the point where you are ready to ask for a divorce, chances are that there is tension between you and your spouse. If you’ve decided that you want a divorce, don’t let that decision come out during the heat of a fight or argument. Wait until you are in a neutral interaction where you can both truly hear and process the conversation taking place.
Tip 2: Do Consider Your Safety
If you have reason to believe that your spouse may react violently to your decision to get a divorce, then it is of the utmost importance that you have a safety plan. Perhaps the conversation needs to take place on the phone or via written correspondence while you are in a separate location. Be sure that you have let a trusted friend know about your plans and have arranged for a place to stay.
Tip 3: Don’t Try to Figure Out All the Details
If you’ve been thinking about this for a long time, you may already have an ideal plan in mind for how you will handle the details. Perhaps there is a custody agreement, housing arrangement, or financial plan that seems reasonable and fair. Now is not the time to hash all of that out. Remember, your spouse may be realizing that divorce is on the table for the very first time. They will need time to process that reality before being in a place where a meaningful conversation about the future can happen.
Tip 4: Do Practice ‘Perspective-Taking’
Perspective-taking is the psychological act of putting ourselves in someone else’s position and considering things from their point of view. When you are asking for a divorce, considering your spouse’s perspective can help make the conversation go more smoothly. Consider how your partner is likely to hear your request. Perhaps they are going to feel relief and agree that this is the right move. Perhaps they are going to feel blindsided and react with shock. Perhaps they are going to be devastated and react with panic. Consider your spouse’s feelings and likely responses before starting the conversation so that you are prepared for the outcome as much as possible.
Tip 5: Don’t Turn It Into a Blame Session
Obviously, if you’re asking for a divorce, things have not gone as planned. Now is not the time to hash out your spouse’s missteps. This line of conversation can quickly turn into a situation of one-upmanship, where both spouses are trying to lay the blame at the other one’s feet. If that happens, the productivity of the conversation is lost, and you’ll feel frustrated and like you didn’t make the progress you hoped. Instead, focus on your mutual discontent and how you both deserve to be happy.
Tip 6: Do Come Into the Conversation With a Goal
What is the real goal of asking for a divorce? A great goal is to leave feeling like you and your spouse are on the same page when it comes to understanding your decision. Is your decision firm? Are you willing to consider other options if your spouse suggests counseling or promises to change behavior? Is your goal to immediately move forward with a divorce or to spark a significant change in your marriage? Knowing the answer to these questions can help keep you focused and organized during the conversation.
Tip 7: Don’t Assume the Work Is Done
Having the initial conversation about divorce may be one of the most challenging hurdles to clear, but it is certainly not the only one. Go into the conversation recognizing that it is the first of many, many discussions that you will need to have over the course of weeks and months. Initiating the discussion will likely be a precursor to legal proceedings, drastic life changes, and difficult decisions about what happens next. Be prepared to continue this conversation over the course of the divorce proceedings.
Conclusion
Asking for a divorce can bring forward a range of emotions. You may feel relieved to finally have the topic out in the open. You may feel disappointed that your marriage is ending. You may feel regret about paths you didn’t take. It can be difficult to predict how the conversation and even your own reaction will unfold. Preparing yourself with clear talking points and remembering your spouse’s perspective during the initial conversation can lay the groundwork for a smoother, more productive next step.
